Ahhhh. Sadness yet happiness. It's what happens to Mommas everywhere when their babies turn ONE. For me, it is a time of reflection- to look back on how much he has grown and changed in 365 short days as well as how much I have grown and changed. 365ish days ago, I had no idea what was to come. I had a picture in my head of what motherhood would look like but my reality was FAR different than that Norman Rockwell ideal perfect picture in my head. My reality began to veer far away from this "perfection" at 9:40pm on October 1, 2011. It was then that B's heart started to decelerate and I was rushed back for an emergency c-section. The first few days were SO hard. I cried... A LOT. Postpartum hormones are NO joke. I was so emotionally drained and overjoyed that my body didn't know what to do so I released it all in the form of crying. It wasn't that things were bad- they weren't. It was just HARD. Little did I know, my reality, looking back, was perfection. Even though things were hard, I guess I always had in the back of my mind that I didn't want to regret anything... especially the way I felt. I never doubted that I loved this little creature. That wasn't it at all. I just was always conscious not to wish his newborn/baby days away. I knew just how precious they were and how I would yearn to get them back. I always tried to make the best of things... I just swaddled and kissed and loved on that sweet, crying, hysterical baby like it was my job... because it was, and there was NOTHING else I would have rather been doing.
The weight of the responsibility of being a Momma + the sleeplessness due to breastfeeding and worry that he would stop breathing + the emotion that comes with loving someone SO much + the yearning to do everything "right"+ c-section recovery = EMOTIONAL OVERLOAD. There is NO way to EVER be prepared to become a parent. I read every book and website and talked to some veteran Mommas but I still felt that I wouldn't do something right. I then realized that "right" was different for every Momma. What was right for B may be wrong for another baby. I threw the textbooks out the window when B was three weeks old and he began crying... all.... the... time. It was horrible. I began to supplement with formula which led to another meltdown that I was giving my baby what was, in my mind, poison. Every formula we tried caused issues. My milk caused tummy issues. The doctor said colic. That is a DIRTY, DIRTY word. The remedy??? "He will outgrow it." Are you kidding me? Outgrow it he did... four months later. I have never felt so helpless that there was nothing I could do for him. I was his Momma and I couldn't make it better.... fast forward to now and just being his Momma is enough for him. If he is crying or upset, just picking him up or holding him for a good snuggle makes everything okay. The funny thing is, as much as he needs me- I NEED him. His sweet face makes it all okay. Every sleepless night and every tear were SO worth it. Would I do it all again for him? Absolutely. Will I be doing it all again with his sibling any time soon? Hmmmm. Not so sure. It was the hardest thing I have ever done on so many levels but loving him is the easiest.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On Monday, our sweet boy opened his present from us- a new wagon. Here he is trying it out! He loves it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is our first picture as a family of three one year ago.
Here we are one year later....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And now... without further adieu... our 12 month update!
*Walking and running all over the place!
*Eating all people food- no baby food for this boy!
*TWO bottles a day. Milk at lunch is in a sippee cup. We are trying to wean from the bottle!
*Sleeping through the night
*12 teeth
*A curly mullet is forming in the back. I think it's precious :)
*9 month clothes still
*Says mama, dada, ca (cow and cat), ga (dog), bobo (my brother), ah (the babysitter's cat, Abby), bye, hey
*Climbs on everything
*Loves animals
*Is in a big boy car seat
*Weighs 20 lbs 2 oz
*Claps his hands
*Sings
\
I can't remember what my life was like before Bennett. It was a LOT different, I do know that but I wouldn't trade it for anything. God knit this precious boy together and did a perfect job. My prayer for Bennett each and every day is that he lives a long and healthy life, that he grows to be a man who loves God and is a man of integrity. I pray that he is a leader who seeks God's will for his life and that he is happy and fulfilled in whatever that may be. I have so many hopes for this sweet child. It has been such a joy to watch him grow so far... I can't wait to see what God has in store!
No comments:
Post a Comment