Enjoying the Journey: March 2018 Catch Up

March. March was hard. It may actually have become one of my least favorite months. January-March of 2018 was hard. Even now, looking back and blogging on it one year later still stings. On March 2nd, Daddy decided he was ready to go home with Hospice. At the time, it was such a shock to me that he had made such a peace with dying and saying goodbye. Honestly, and selfishly, it stung a little. Looking back, it was such a blessing. He was in control of things until his last days and thankfully, those really hard decisions did not fall to me. He told the doctors in Greenville to withhold care. He told us to arrange for Hospice. Because of the amount of oxygen he was on, there was no way we could take him home. This was hard for me at first. If you knew my daddy, he LOVED his little house on Camak. It was essentially, where he grew up and where he wanted to go home to for his last days. It broke my heart that I couldn't make that happen for him, but in hindsight, it was yet another blessing.

On March 2nd, Brenda sat with Daddy while Aaron and I went to eat at a Mexican restaurant. She text me and asked if I could talk for a minute. Daddy had shared with her that he wanted to go home. He was done with the hospitals and tests and sickness. At that point, he had been there since Feb. 19th... nearly two weeks. It was so hard to hear. We went back to the hospital to talk to daddy and try to make arrangements for him to leave the following day. A sweet angel friend coordinated with our Hospice in Greenwood and arrangements were made to transport him the next day.

Daddy wanted to be by himself that night. I went to Aaron's house in Greenville and he let me take over his room.

The following morning, we headed to the hospital to await Dan and Jana from Arkansas and later transport to Greenwood Hospice. He was awake and alert for most of that day... more than he had been for the last two weeks. He got to talk and visit. A lot of that had to do with the morphine. He was comfortable and able to breathe easier. I held this sweet hand a lot that day and in the days to come.

I was digging through my purse the day he was heading to Hospice. I found a bracelet Bennett had left in the car and I put it in my purse with the intentions of taking it inside. It was a God-wink and a reminder that even though that season of my life was heartbreaking and so hard, God would keep his promises. He was faithful.

On March 3rd, Daddy was transported to Hospice in Greenwood by ambulance. As soon as we arrived, I saw that things had changed. God had granted us such a good two days... and now, daddy was restless and disoriented. I cannot say enough good things about these doctors and nurses at Hospice. I sobbed as I filled out the paperwork. I sobbed as I brought his things in. I sobbed as I talked him back into bed. I sobbed as I realized he didn't know where he was. I sobbed as the precious doctor explained that this was all part of the dying process. She said something so profound. She said that our bodies know how to be born. She said our bodies also know how to die. God designed them that way. She gave me a very helpful book that told step by step what would happen... and it did. Just like clockwork. Just like God designed.

Aaron and I stayed with daddy the second night. Dan and Jana stayed the first. Wimma stayed two nights. Honestly, I was so glad they volunteered. I was terrified something would happen to him on our watch. Frankly, I was still scared of the whole "dying" aspect in general. I was torn and terrified of it happening when I was there... but terrified I wouldn't be there as he went to be with Jesus. I took this pic after midnight one night. Aaron and I were taking shifts because daddy would get restless and pull his oxygen out. I was scared to sleep. I took this picture because it was the first sleepover the three of us had had since 1997... and it would be the last one, too.

Over the course of those six days, so many people poured in to love on us and love on daddy. He "woke up" a few times to say "I love you". It was gut wrenching at times when we couldn't get him settled. It was an emotional roller coaster. It was a hard week... but it was also so, so good. It was a plan orchestrated by a loving Father whose plan was PERFECT. When he finally breathed his last breath at 6:52pm on March 9th, he was surrounded by ones that loved him. It was perfect and in any other plan , that never would have happened.

The next few days were hard... but also... different. It was the first time in nearly half my life that I didn't wake up worrying about my daddy. I knew where he was. We had had the opportunity to talk the day we were awaiting transport for Hospice. He said he wasn't scared of dying. He knew where he was going. He was just afraid of how he would get there. Daddy was terrified of suffocating... which, given his medical state, was a very real and possible outcome. Thankfully, God spared him that. We were all very grateful.

During this time, God used so many people, including my babies, to minister to me and speak truth to my weary heart. Bennett was always quick to remind me that his Papa got a new body that wasn't sick anymore. My heart knew that. There was no more sadness, or loneliness, struggles or pain. That realization was one for which I could find true joy.

On Tuesday, March 13th, we buried my precious daddy... right next to his mama. I know she was happy to see her baby boy.

Those next few weeks of March were somewhat of a blur. I can remember every second of those last weeks and days with my daddy but after that, I was just surviving, honestly. My heart just hurt. I went through the motions of things when really, I just wanted to lay in my bed all by myself and grieve. The reality is... life goes on. I had two little boys who had missed out on their mama, and even though their mama was broken, they craved "having me back", physically anyways. They are my joy and really helped me during a very hard time.

We took some time for a family trip to the circus.

Holden was determined to ride the elephant. Bennett wanted NOTHING to do with that elephant. I can't say that I blame him!

We went to a birthday party for a friend. Colby had a police themed birthday party and my boys were in heaven!

We took rides through the woods on the Rhino and four wheeler to urge Spring along.

We went camping at the lake for Spring Break. We had lots to celebrate that week.

Jonathan turned 33 while we were at the lake. We had fun with our family celebrating this special, hardworking husband and daddy. We are certainly blessed!