Five Years Ago

Five years ago today, I was waking up to a realization that my life was forever changed. Five years ago yesterday, my Meme saw the face of Jesus. It changed my life in ways that I had never imagined. I had never felt so heartbroken before. She was my best friend and my confidant, my teacher and my encourager. She was my cheerleader and a kindred spirit. She just GOT me. We have always had a special bond and when she was gone, I felt... there are no words.

My cousin and I were texting yesterday and she said, "I know today is hard for you. I don't think I have ever worried about someone more than I worried about you five years ago today. However, I know that you are at peace with God's decision that He made that day because of your unwavering faith."

Five years ago, I wasn't at peace with God's decision. Apparently I put on a good front. I was angry and sad and confused. I remember hearing the song "It is Well" in church a few weeks after she died and I couldn't sing those words with my heart. I would mumble them under my breath and by all appearances, I was "at peace". It took awhile for me to realize that her death was a turning point. Just 361 days before she died, my Nana passed. I was in the room at Hospice House when it happened and I remember that it was so peaceful. It was almost a blessing to be there when she left this life and entered heaven. It was profound for me. She had suffered and I was so thankful her passing was peaceful. I rejoiced. For some reason, in those 361 days, I had forgotten the "end result" of living this life. The REWARD is heaven. On January 13, 2011, Meme got her heavenly reward. You know what?? She wouldn't give that up for anything.

Sometime in the last five years, my focus and heart have shifted and I my faith has grown. What a blessing it is to have had the time I had with her. What a blessing it is that she didn't have to see Larry battle cancer. What a blessing it is that I have so many memories in my heart. What a blessing it is that she can breathe. What a blessing it is to KNOW where she is and to have HOPE that I will see her again someday. What a blessing to have a SAVIOR that never left me and that carried me at my most heartbroken... even when I was angry at Him. HE is bigger. HE has a plan. HE sustained me when death struck again in May when Larry died. He protected my heart from going into Larry's house and finding him. HE didn't allow Larry's death to break me but to turn me to Him. When Larry died, I mourned BUT OH, HOW I REJOICED. God is so good... all the time... even in hurt and sorrow. He turns our mourning into gladness and makes ALL things NEW.

It is well, it is well, with my soul.